Tuesday, January 17, 2006

We need a new Declaration of Independence

The old one was pretty good. Served us well for a long time.

But since George W. Bush is so quick to destroy the principles that formed the foundation of our country, maybe we should just scrap the old one and create something new.

How about this:

The NEW Declaration of Independence

(SLIGHTLY MODIFIED, AND WITH EMPHASIS ADDED, FROM THE ORIGINAL)

In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776 (AND AMENDED JANUARY 17, 2006)

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen (NOW NINETEEN) united (BLUE) States of America,

When in the Course of (IN)human events, it becomes necessary for one people (-THE REALITY BASED COMMUNITY -) to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of (SCIENCE, DARWIN,) Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation (BECAUSE THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE’RE A JOKE).

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by (EVOLUTION AS WELL AS) their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. -- That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of, (NOT THE DESTRUCTION OF THE RIGHTS OF) the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government (PREFERABLY LED BY BILL CLINTON), laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes (UNLESS SAID GOVERNMENTS WERE INSTALLED BY A CORRUPT AND PARTISAN JUDICIAL ACTION); and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, (INCLUDING INVADING SOVEREIGN NATIONS AND WAGING PRE-EMPTIVE WAR BASED ON FAULTY INTELLIGENCE; HOLDING PRISONERS INDEFINITELY WITHOUT LEGAL REPRESENTATION; ADVOCATING TORTURE, SPYING ON AMERICAN CITIZENS WITHOUT A WARRANT, AND OTHER GRIEVOUS ACTS) pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. —Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present (SELF-PROCLAIMED AND COURT-ANNOINTED) King of (THE UNITED STATES, THE FORMER 13 COLONIES OF) Great Britain, George (W. BUSH) III is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, (CORRUPTION, CRONYISM, INCOMPETENCE AND INJUSTICE), all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world (THAT DOESN’T NEED MUCH CONVINCING.)

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good (AS NOTED ABOVE).

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, (PREFERING TO PASS DIVISIVE AND FRIVOLOUS ACTS SUCH AS THE TERRI SCHIAVO BILL, AND IMMORAL BUDGET MEASURES THAT REDUCE BENEFITS TO THE POOR AND ELDERLY) unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them (MUCH THE WAY HE NEGLECTED TO ATTEND TO THE NEEDS OF HURRICANE VICTIMS ALONG THE GULF COAST).

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, (SAVE FOR THE WEALTHIEST 1% OF ALL AMERICANS, BIG CORPORATIONS, LOBBYISTS AND DONORS) unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, (WHICH THEY UNWILLINGLY DID DUE TO HIS ILLEGAL REDISTRICTING AND MASSIVE ELECTION FRAUD) a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He (ALONG WITH HIS SURROGATES) has (DEFIANTLY OPERATED WITHOUT OVERSIGHT, HELD SECRET MEETINGS OF AN “ENERGY TASK FORCE” AND OTHER ORGANIZATIONS KNOWN ONLY TO THEM) and called together legislative bodies (WHO CHANGED THE RULES OF THEIR RESPECTIVE BODIES AT THEIR OWN WHIMS) at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has (THROUGH VOTE FRAUD AND REDISTRICTING) dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with a manly (AND RIDICULOUS TEXAS SWAGGER AND) firmness, his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has (WITH THE HELP OF DIEBOLD) refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without (ABSURDLY CLAIMING THAT WE FIGHT THE ENEMY OVER THERE SO WE DON’T HAVE TO FIGHT THEM OVER HERE), and convulsions within (BECAUSE EVEN AFTER 9/11, HE HAS DONE NOTHING TO SECURE OUR BORDERS).

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States (THROUGH ALL MANNER OF ELECTION IRREGULARITIES); for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands (SUCH AS THE ARCTIC NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE AND ONCE PRISTINE FORESTS WHICH HE HAS OPENED TO THE CORPORATE AND SPECIAL-INTEREST GROUPS THAT LINED HIS POCKETS.)

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers (AND BY CIRCUMVENTING THE JUDICIAL BRANCH ALTOGETHER, WHENEVER IT SUITED HIS PURPOSES).

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, (NOMINATED UNQUALIFIED CRONIES TO THE HIGHEST COURT IN THE LAND AND ESTABLISHED A RADICAL RIGHT-WING LITMUS TEST FOR ALL HIS JUDICIAL NOMINEES) for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has (MADE RECESS APPOINTMENTS TO THE UNITED NATIONS), erected a multitude of New Offices (INCLUDING THE MASSIVE FEDERAL BUREOCRACY KNOWN AS THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY), and sent hither swarms of Officers (FROM THE NSA) to (SPY ON), harass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies (WAGING WAR ON SCIENCE, WITH AND) without the consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power (WHICH HAS LED TO GROSSLY INHUMANE ABUSES SUCH AS THOSE UNCOVERED AT ABU GHRAIB AND GUANTANAMO BAY).

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to (AND IN VIOLATION OF) our constitution and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation (THAT HAVE CAUSED GRIEVOUS HARM TO THE MOST VULNERABLE AMERICANS, ESPECIALLY CHILDREN AND THE POOR)

For Quartering large bodies of armed (SYCOPHANTIC) troops (OF RIGHT-WING OPERATIVES, LYING POLITICAL HACKS, INTELLECTUALLY DISHONEST MEDIA PUNDITS AND TALKING POINT ACTION-FIGURES) among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment (OR ANY CONSEQUENCES OF ANY KIND ALTOGETHER) for any (INCOMPETENCE, INEPTITUDE OR) Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these (OR ANY FOREIGN) States:

For (RUNNING UP MASSIVE DEFICITS AND) cutting off our (FORMER NATO ALLIES AND) Trade, (BRIBING JOURNALISTS AND DISPENSING PROPAGANDA TO) all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent (WHILE CUTTING THOSE OF THE RICHEST 1%):

For depriving (MANY OF) us, (INCLUDING JOSE PADILLA OTHER PERSONS HELD AT GUANTANAMO BAY) in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For (SPYING ON, AND), transporting us beyond Seas to be (KEPT IN SECRET PRISONS, TORTURED AND) tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing (REPRODUCTIVE, RELIGIOUS AND CIVIL RIGHTS, AND) the free System of English Laws (HERE, AND) in a neighbouring Province (OF IRAQ), establishing therein an Arbitrary (YET FUNDAMENTALIST, PRO-IRANIAN) government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies (AND BY FALSELY CLAIMING TO HAVE ESTABLISHED DEMOCRACY ABROAD ALL THE WHILE DESTROYING IT AT HOME).

For taking away our (RIGHTS, FREEDOMS AND) Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the (CONCEPT OF SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, AS WELL AS THE VERY) Forms of our Governments:

For suspending (THE RULES OF) our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever (AND THREATENING US WITH THE HERETOFORE UNKNOWN “NUCLEAR OPTION” IF WE OPPOSED THEM)

He has abdicated Government here, by (GOVERNING ONLY FOR THE BENEFIT OF HIS BASE,) declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

(WITH ACTS SUCH AS THE EGREGIOUSLY NAMED “CLEAR SKIES INITIATIVE”), He has plundered our (EARTH, AIR AND) seas, (AND THROUGH THE INCOMPETENCE OF CRONIES LIKE MIKE “HECKUVA JOB, BROWNIE” BROWN”, HE) ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large (BUT EVER-SHRINKING) Armies of (RELUCTANT) foreign Mercenaries (THE SO-CALLED COALITION OF THE WILLING) to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens (INCLUDING OUR NATIONAL GUARD AND RESERVES, AND THOSE) taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us (AND INFLAMED THE ENTIRE MUSLIM WORLD AGAINST US), and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, (ILLEGAL ALIENS AND) the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all (W)ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: (BY ACTUALLY ACTING LAWFULLY, IF INEPTLY). Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A (SO-CALLED UNITER NOT A DIVIDER) Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a (DIVIDER AND A) Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our (MODERATE REPUBLICAN) British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity (AND FOUND THEY HAVE NONE), and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity (BECAUSE THEY ARE INHERENTLY EVIL). We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the (PROGRESSIVE AND DEMOCRATIC) Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to (THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER), the Supreme Judge of the world, for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free (FROM THE REPUBLICAN PARTY FOREVER) and Independent States (LIBERATED FROM A RADICAL RIGHT-WING AGENDA); that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to (THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT, THE NRA, JACK ABRAMOFF AND THE REST OF THE CORRUPT K-STREET PROJECT LOBBYISTS) British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the (RED)State(S) of (AMERICA, THE FORMER 13 COLONIES OF) Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent (BLUE) States, they have full Power to levy War (ONLY WHEN WE ARE ATTACKED, AND ONLY AGAINST THE ENEMY THAT ACTUALLY ATTACKED US), conclude Peace, contract (AND RESTORE SHATTERED) Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with(OUT THE NEED FOR A TOTALLY DISINGENUOUS AND) firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

The signers of the (NEW) Declaration represented the new (BLUE) states as follows:

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome, Dude, but watch your back!

5:19 PM  
Blogger The Ringmaster said...

Thanks, Anon. I've been blogging for all of two days and already I'm being warned. How freaky.

7:04 PM  
Blogger The Bearded Lady said...

Too bad there is nowhere for us to start a new colony!!

8:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is. Right where we are.

7:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is from a Red State Heretic!!

Excellent Ringmaster!

8:11 AM  
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3:32 PM  

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